|Fitting title for this photo I think – Music in motion.|
|Flag dance presentation: Marvelous Light by Ellie Holcomb|
While I was at the festival in the capacity of dance, I have other talents that run to the artistic side such as word art, watercolor, sewing, scrapbooking, crafting, wood burning and painting. I have ability but I lack the passion to do unless I am asked, hired or am solving a problem. I don’t often just do for the joy of doing. I have piles of ideas and supplies that have not been started, just moved from one place to the next in my Blessings Room.
|Pile of fabric, old jeans and clothes that need mending stored in a tub that travels around the room.|
I have contemplated WHY I don’t engage many times in my past and have realized that I fear failure. I know that I can, but I worry about not completing the project perfectly. Yes, I can encourage my students to not worry about mistakes and learn from them, but it seems that I do not believe my own words. It is not just the failure I fear but the repercussions of failing that terrify me. Recently I have looked for the root cause of this problem and have found several circumstances have affected me.
As a child, an adult with great influence in my family, set an impossible standard of perfection and implied that the Heavenly Father also required this of me for acceptance. I grew up believing that if I was not perfect, bad things would happen to me and loved ones. I believed the lie that I caused the bad things in my life because of my imperfection. Death, suicide, sexual assault, lack of wants being met, told no to most of my expressed dreams and rejection from peers are some of the “bad things” that crushed my desire to try things that I was not immediately proficient at. It has shaped my life more than I realized.
While I no longer view my Heavenly Father through the eyes of a child taught by this twisted, sad sick man, my habits haven’t changed in regards to my fear of failing. I now believe that I am loved. Not because I have earned it (I can’t earn grace no matter how hard I try to be perfect) but because my Heavenly Father has chosen to love me. I know that my fear that He will punish me for failing is unfounded and a lie. I am starting to understand that to not try is actually an example of failing.
At the festival, I was convicted of my fear and greatly encouraged to try through several amazing young people’s presentations. While there, I committed to change. However, to want to try isn’t enough; you gotta make a PLAN to implement that try. So I am going to begin an endeavor to complete 52 weeks of fix it, finish it or fling it. I will make a list of projects that have been languishing in my Blessings Room and spend one week on each one. I am sure in the beginning it will be easy to find a project that is more along the lines of fix it or finishing it. I have several I can think of off the top of my head.
|Current state of my drafting table, you can’t even see the wood burning project.|
I am also embracing the idea of letting a project go. My perfection demands that I have to do it, regardless of current interest or need. To give a project away is not a bad thing; it is choosing what I want my priorities to be and deciding to make “the best yes” for me. I will not feel guilty for “flinging” a project but instead, rejoice that someone else will be able to enjoy the project as their best yes.
So onto the plan – I will post my project for the week to come in this blog. Next week, I will show you the process and finished project along with the following week’s goal. I hope that incorporating my goal into my blog will help me keep accountable and hopefully be fun. Who knows, you may learn how to do a new craft or may be able to give me advice on my next project.
|Wooden stool top waiting to be finished.|
I want to finish my stool for next week. It is one I use in the kitchen and had gotten damaged by water. The finish was wearing off; it had scratches and looked terrible. T took off the top, my dad sanded it down and I started to wood burn the design I drew on it. I have only finished part of it and it has since languished on my drafting table for months. I am going to finish the wood burning, paint the design and then send it off to my dad to put several coats of high grade polyurethane on it to protect it from water. Then I will finally have my kitchen stool back.
This is my project for 2018. What healing will you search after in your life this next year? I invite you to join me on your own 52 week project. You are more than welcome to join me in my adventure or come up with your own. Please post your ideas and pictures in the comments. This will be fun and I will enjoy the learning process as I am sure not every project will turn out great but that is ok. This is how I will learn to do better, safe in the realization that it is ok to mess up. I am still loved.
|This small chalkboard sits at my backdoor and is a good reminder.|
Nope, not perfect as I free hand drew it without guidelines, BUT it is done and makes me smile.